I lived in fear for a decade.  Afraid so often and so consistently that I moved between two states, acute fear and the fear of experiencing acute fear.

My daughter would scream at me and I would freeze, wide eyed and fighting not to run as my heart beat in my ears and my chest seized my breath in a vice.

In the quiet and the calm I basked in the peace and happiness, while a hidden half of me waited, poised, ready, tense for the danger to arrive again.

What was the danger?  Loud noise, family conflict, vacations, unexpected expenses, car breakdown … anything that disrupted a consistent and peaceful existence – so life.  Life was the danger and I lived either actively afraid, or waiting for the next moment in which I would be.

It was exhausting both for myself, and for the people who loved me.

After undergoing EMDR for my PTS, and finding more healing than I could have ever imagined, I still have some niggling fear of the future, fear of going it alone after my divorce, fear of dying alone now that it is clear how infinitely unloveable I really am.  But this is a new starting point.  This is fear I can see and hold, fear that I can examine, fear I can look at instead of being caught in it’s piercing stare and left helpless.

I find myself cultivating a curiosity about this new and knowable fear.  Who will I be in a year, in two years?  What will I fear when sleeping alone is a joy instead of a hurt?  What will keep me up at night when I really can accept that I’m lovable and wonderful and my ex just wanted something/someone else (I’m sunshine he needs shade, right?)?

The best part about my curiosity is that it reinforces to me how much I’ve healed.  Curiosity about my future indicates a plan to be a part of it.  Curiosity about my future indicates some kind of acceptance of the unknown and unknowable.

And my curiosity is in direct conflict with my fear – and my curiosity appears to be winning.  HOORAY ME!