“Asmodeus” – pregnant with disappointment.
I have ‘daddy issues’ … it’s so cliche as to be absurd and embarassing and yet here I am. A recent experience with an ex left me reeling at my own skewed view and expectations of men in my life. This man was bigger than life when we were together. Tall and exquisitely handsome, robust and filled with charm and wit and a sense of strength that held me under its sway. He was everything. I was lucky to even know him and luckier still to be with him.
Recently I ran into him at an event and had to look several times to be sure it was him. He was shorter, disheveled and shrinking in on himself as though he didn’t want to exist. He was far from everything to me and as our eyes met I felt mine slide off his in a strangely cold and distant manner. He was not the man I had known. I was stunned and left the event supremely confused and hurt.
I’d always seen him as someone big and important and robust and now I wondered if he had been those things and now wasn’t or if he was never those things and I had been seeing something I wanted and not who he really was.
So now I imagine him, in our relationship, basking under the gaze of someone who thought he was everything … lord that must have felt amazing for a time, but the inevitable fall from grace as mistakes were made and betrayals were dealt out had to be monumental. What relationship could really survive such a fall?
I very much want a dad, always have. Someone on whom I can lean when I feel weak or afraid, someone who will choose to love me and care for me even if/when it’s a fight to do so.
I didn’t get that from my dad and so I sought it in romantic partners. Of course, none have lived up to that desire – because none are my father. .. And my dad’s dead – there’s no going back to that well for healing.
I am profoundly sad that my ex is no longer so big or important or wonderful. I not only lost that relationship but I also lost the dream that I ever really had it.
And in that loss my dad dies a little more.
I wonder now if this is a time I can just finally let him go.
I wonder now if he is fully dead yet or if I am going to try to necromancer my way into another doomed love affair.
Asmodeus artwork available here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/691449391