Last year I fell in love with a man who swore he always hurt people – that he was ‘pregnant with disappointment’ and seemed helpless to be otherwise … a week after he returned the chair and tumbler I’d left at his home … the final totems of our year together, I had this dream….
Caring for the Soul Under Quarantine
I’ve been seeing the meme, you know the one, Mr. Rogers looking back at you with the quote: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,” Rogers said to his television neighbors, “my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are…
Jack and the Tales We Tell
Sun dapples her furrowed brow as she crunches through the apple, tiny mouth chawing and talking “But why are we doing this?” Blue tennis shoes, god they are filthy, scuffing at the hard packed dirt. I’ve told her why in so many ways. Words and hugs and songs and tears and still she always wants…
2019 – What I Learned
Oh this day has snuck up on me! It seems like last year I was far more prepared for this reflection and this year I’m winging it. This was a year of bravery for me. In March I went on my first date since my separation and divorce in 2016 and I felt the exhilaration…
Asmodeus
“Asmodeus” – pregnant with disappointment. I have ‘daddy issues’ … it’s so cliche as to be absurd and embarassing and yet here I am. A recent experience with an ex left me reeling at my own skewed view and expectations of men in my life. This man was bigger than life when we were together….
All Thumbs
About a week ago I was meeting with my support group and giving my regular update and things went really badly. Below is an excerpt of the email I sent to a friend the next morning: I am feeling a bit awkward about last night and how I express happiness. This seems silly I know, but…
Slow to Heal
When the hurt sets in we want it fixed, gone, poof, pill, drink, video game, movie, binging Game of Thrones, meditation, drawing, coffee, walking, gym, friends, family … anything. Any fix. Right now. Distraction. Numbing. Silence. Dark. The realization that healing is slow and ongoing is a rotten kind of pain. There is no immediacy, no…
2018 – What I Learned
Man I was sad a year ago! I’ve been keeping a regular journal for over two years and I have books and books and BOOKS of writing (eight from 2018 alone). This morning I decided to pull out my 2018 journals and read a little bit from early last year to get an idea of…
The Assimilation
Close your eyes and breathe and remember being held by your parents or by a close friend or by a lover … remember a moment where the boundaries between your body blurred next to theirs and you found yourself lost in the warm scent of entanglement, disconnected from your own separateness and softly smudged into…
From Toenails to Eyelashes
The day after my ex husband told me he was leaving I painted my toenails. A lovely reddish brown color called Flirt graced my piggies and it didn’t even begin to make me feel better but had distracted me for a good ten minutes. Months and months later I sat in the hot tub at…
