Bernadette – She Sees You.

It seems most everything in my life is about Covid now … and the stress is remarkable. So far, no one in my family is sick, none of my immediate friends are sick … there is a very very real and very very nebulous suspense. When will it arrive? I feel the coolness of the…

A note on living with trauma

I am blessed with a wonderful friend – whom I write to every day. It is a grounding and beautiful experience, to have such a correspondence. This morning I struggled with my PTSD. This morning I was snatched away from my life in an instant and had to work my way back. This happens from…

I Plant My Feet and Magic Blooms

A few weeks ago I was meeting with friends and the question was posed – ‘What do you know for certain?’ This is a big question – monumental in many ways. Can I trust my senses? Can I trust my experiences, my recollections, even the lessons I’ve learned in the last 44 years? Can I…

All Thumbs – in Oil

Last year I fell in love with a man who swore he always hurt people – that he was ‘pregnant with disappointment’ and seemed helpless to be otherwise … a week after he returned the chair and tumbler I’d left at his home … the final totems of our year together, I had this dream….

Caring for the Soul Under Quarantine

I’ve been seeing the meme, you know the one, Mr. Rogers looking back at you with the quote: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,” Rogers said to his television neighbors, “my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are…

Jack and the Tales We Tell

Sun dapples her furrowed brow as she crunches through the apple, tiny mouth chawing and talking “But why are we doing this?” Blue tennis shoes, god they are filthy, scuffing at the hard packed dirt. I’ve told her why in so many ways. Words and hugs and songs and tears and still she always wants…

2019 – What I Learned

Oh this day has snuck up on me! It seems like last year I was far more prepared for this reflection and this year I’m winging it. This was a year of bravery for me. In March I went on my first date since my separation and divorce in 2016 and I felt the exhilaration…

Asmodeus

“Asmodeus” – pregnant with disappointment. I have ‘daddy issues’ … it’s so cliche as to be absurd and embarassing and yet here I am. A recent experience with an ex left me reeling at my own skewed view and expectations of men in my life. This man was bigger than life when we were together….

All Thumbs

About a week ago I was meeting with my support group and giving my regular update and things went really badly. Below is an excerpt of the email I sent to a friend the next morning: I am feeling a bit awkward about last night and how I express happiness.  This seems silly I know, but…

Slow to Heal

When the hurt sets in we want it fixed, gone, poof, pill, drink, video game, movie, binging Game of Thrones, meditation, drawing, coffee, walking, gym, friends, family … anything.  Any fix.  Right now.  Distraction. Numbing. Silence. Dark. The realization that healing is slow and ongoing is a rotten kind of pain.  There is no immediacy, no…