All Thumbs

About a week ago I was meeting with my support group and giving my regular update and things went really badly. Below is an excerpt of the email I sent to a friend the next morning: I am feeling a bit awkward about last night and how I express happiness.  This seems silly I know, but…

Slow to Heal

When the hurt sets in we want it fixed, gone, poof, pill, drink, video game, movie, binging Game of Thrones, meditation, drawing, coffee, walking, gym, friends, family … anything.  Any fix.  Right now.  Distraction. Numbing. Silence. Dark. The realization that healing is slow and ongoing is a rotten kind of pain.  There is no immediacy, no…

2018 – What I Learned

Man I was sad a year ago! I’ve been keeping a regular journal for over two years and I have books and books and BOOKS of writing (eight from 2018 alone). This morning I decided to pull out my 2018 journals and read a little bit from early last year to get an idea of…

The Assimilation

Close your eyes and breathe and remember being held by your parents or by a close friend or by a lover … remember a moment where the boundaries between your body blurred next to theirs and you found yourself lost in the warm scent of entanglement, disconnected from your own separateness and softly smudged into…

From Toenails to Eyelashes

The day after my ex husband told me he was leaving I painted my toenails.  A lovely reddish brown color called Flirt graced my piggies and it didn’t even begin to make me feel better but had distracted me for a good ten minutes.  Months and months later I sat in the hot tub at…

To the Feast

It’s a Wednesday night and I’m sitting quietly at my dining room table, listening to the neighbor kids play football in the quickly waning sunlight (damn daylight savings time, it’s 6pm for god’s sake!). It’s lovely and I can feel tensions melting off me as I type. I’m solitary by nature, I like the quiet…

Indelible

I swam in the fury and the blame and how I felt again like my body and my experiences and my home and my safety don’t matter – like my daughters don’t matter. Our voices rose together in protest and smashed into the gates of the good old boys club and fell to pieces in…

#whyididntreport

#whyididntreport – because I was 14 and I thought it was my fault for not being clearer with my no. #whyididntreport – because I have been the victim of non-consensual sexual acts in the majority of my sexual relationships #whyididntreport – because those men who took sex from me without my consent would all claim…

My Place

If you’ve been following along you know that life (specifically my life) has been filled with tumult and change for the last few years. After the divorce I really struggled to determine where I belonged, where I felt at home and what made me … well, what made me ME.  I didn’t know what I…

Mimicking Self-Awareness

Today I am forty-three. Most of my life I have believed that other people knew better than me, were smarter and more put together, were more rational and steady.  I felt waves of emotional inconsistency in myself and found it a weakness.  I was unsure of what I wanted from minute to minute and found…